Evie has been restless for the past few hours, I’m so tired I could cry and at that stage of hunger where I just feel sick. These are the bits that the bible baby books leave out. They are full of tips on how to feed the baby, how to make your partner feel involved and loved (getting up to help with night feeds would be a start), how to bath the baby but they all fail to mention that after weeks of not sleeping or eating that you will have moments around two in the morning where you dream of a life you had 10 months ago and secretly shed a tear. I love Evie more than anything in the world but I still miss what I had before and finding it difficult to see how I can successfully merge the two lives together to create my perfect world. I found the dream job, had a plan for the next few years and within three months fell pregnant and spent the next three months in hysterics because I saw my life change before my eyes (I had to give up the dream job in order to build a life back home which caused more stress than a two hour commute to work and a six hour commute to London). I know I can revive my career in a few years time after I have another baby but there is something scary about reaching 30 and having to put everything on hold including normal functioning behaviour.
The problem is people (usually childless or devoid of any ambition) look at you with such horror when you dare to mention your feelings regarding the sharp turn off the path that you thought you were heading down that it makes you feel like a fraud and a terrible parent. The truth is until these people are in the depths of sleep deprivation and starvation, sick to the back teeth of being judged by so called medical professionals who relish in being spiteful/patronising and have a child who wants to be held constantly I kindly ask you to keep your useless and unfounded thoughts to yourself because one day you could be in this position.
One of the reasons that I started this blog (apart from having an outlet to tell the truth) is to keep my brain ticking over and to have an element of creativity in my day that their wise consists of talking to the baby, cleaning or staring at the pictures on the screen without taking anything in. It allows me to keep a piece of the old me in the new me’s world.
Anyway, I am hoping I can get Evie to sleep in the Moses basket for an hour so I can attempt some sleep so I have a hope in hell of functioning tomorrow…